E232: Easy Emotional Regulation Tools for Less Anxiety & More Joy with Misty McFadden

Have you ever felt a surge of anger or anxiety so suddenly it almost scared you? Like that moment when a simple request from your child suddenly sends a wave of frustration through you. 

We’ve all been in that place, and the guilt that follows is just as heavy.

I had a deeply comforting conversation with Misty McFadden about this exact struggle. As a mom of four, she spoke openly about her own journey through seasons of anxiety and feeling completely overwhelmed by her emotions. She opened up about how, even with strong faith, there were times when everything felt overwhelming, and it was hard to keep going.

We walked through some of the most helpful perspectives she’s learned:

• 09:50 Why "I don't know why I'm so angry!" is usually a lie we tell ourselves
• 13:29 Her super simple "brain dump" trick that stops the mental spin cycle in two minutes
• 19:20 How our emotions and our faith are totally meant to work together, and what it really means to guard your heart

This is one of those chats that makes you feel normal and gives you a real, tangible next step. No magic pills, just compassion and practical ideas. If you're feeling a little frayed around the edges lately, press play now. I think you'll really love this one. 

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This podcast is for women and moms to learn how to balance hormones naturally in motherhood, to have pain-free periods, increased fertility, to decrease PMS mood swings, and to increase energy without restrictive diet plans. You'll learn how to balance blood sugar, increase progesterone naturally, understand the root cause of estrogen dominance, irregular periods, PCOS, insulin resistance, hormonal acne, post birth-control syndrome, and conceive naturally. We use a pro-metabolic, whole food, root cause approach to functional women's health and focus on truly holistic health and mind-body connection.

If you listen to any of the following shows, we're sure you'll like ours too!
Pursuit of Wellness with Mari Llewellyn, Culture Apothecary with Alex Clark, Found My Fitness with Rhonda Patrick, Just Ingredients Podcast, Wellness Mama, The Dr Josh Axe Show, Are You Menstrual Podcast, The Model Health Show, Grounded Wellness By Primally Pure, Be Well By Kelly Leveque, The Freely Rooted Podcast with Kori Meloy, Simple Farmhouse Life with Lisa Bass

Chapters

• 9:50 Why "I don't know why I'm so angry!" is usually a lie we tell ourselves
• 13:29 Her super simple "brain dump" trick that stops the mental spin cycle in under two minutes
• 20:22 How our emotions and our faith are totally meant to work together, and what it really means to "guard your heart"

Transcript

[00:00:00] If you're finding that your emotions are out of control in any part of your cycle, then today we are going to go into some of the best emotional regulation tools that you can use in the moment with my guest, Misty McFadden. 

[00:00:00] 

Leisha Hey friends, today is gonna be so good because I have my new friend here, Misty McFadden, and we are gonna be talking about emotional regulation, which, let's be honest, all of us need it. And probably you're here today because you actually really need it in this moment. So let's talk about that. Misty, welcome.

I just wanna have you introduce yourself, tell us about you, your family, and then we will get into your story of why you are here.

Misty Awesome. Thank you so much for having me. Well, like Leisha said, my name is Misty McFadden and I support women in Biblical emotional regulation. So am a mom. I have four kiddos, ages four to 17. a wife. We just celebrated, 19 years. And so, that's been obviously a source of like learning emotional regulation through. Raising a family, having a marriage, and my background is actually in, biblical ministry. [00:01:00] So ministering to women teaching the Bible is kind of where my background was before the Lord called me into learning to regulate emotions. , And a little, I guess a little bit about my story and why that. Why this is even a thing is, you know, shortly after having my 4-year-old, I started to, deal with severe postpartum anxiety. it wasn't, it wasn't anything I had ever experienced. There were like triggers that I wasn't sure how to explain. I, I suspected hormonal stuff, but at the same time was pretty in tune with my body and. Very versed in, what the Bible teaches about anxiety and fear and types of things. And so I was able to take kind of the training that I was giving in the ministry that I was working in at the time, which was like conversational discipleship, talking people through things, which in the [00:02:00] world now we know is like coaching, life coaching. From a biblical lens, and I had to learn to understand what do my emotions have to do with this and what's going on? Like, what am I feeling? I wasn't raised in, a very functional home. learning just, social emotional language or what is healthy and what is not, wasn't things I was versed in. And so I'm a first generation believer When I was experiencing like panic attacks and anxiety, and then, I've dealt with depression since I was 14. of these things, I was so intent on knowing how to explain them from a biblical lens. I wanted to know, like, God, what is going on and why, and it took me on this whole journey. With the Lord of, you know, there was a season where I was wrestling with my faith. there was a season where I was [00:03:00] dealing with one of my kiddos, you know, dealing with some very serious mental health challenges. in this like four year span, I crashed and I didn't know how to pick myself up because everything that I had believed and done and lived. Up until that moment wasn't working and I didn't know why. All I knew is that I felt a certain way. I didn't know what that was. I didn't know how to put words to that. I didn't know how to care for myself on a basic level. I didn't know how much of my hormones were at play, you know, after having just had a baby., Mid thirties at this point. I had had my older ones in my twenties. was just a lot going on and I, so I really started to like wrestle with God and. Learn that it's safe to bring my fears and my doubts and all of those wrestlings to God, [00:04:00] and he's the answer for all of that. And learning to regulate my emotions in that season and having a friend tell me. You know, you need to get your thought life under control. And that is where we see in scripture. And I'll show that in a little bit, just the, the correlation between thoughts and feelings and, basically had to come to Jesus moment and said , I need to, like, surrender this to God and allow him to show me what his. Plan is for my emotions because they're ruling my life and it was affecting my relationships. I couldn't even , have conversations with my children. I would be triggered at the smallest things. I couldn't get outta bed some days, you know, and we had a lot of transitions happening and that can cause a lot of emotional upheaval moving all of these things.

And so I had to. Sit with God and seek his truth and dig into the word to see what Bible had for [00:05:00] all of this, because I was trying to figure it out on my own. And that's always not, that's not a great place to be.

Leisha Yeah. I think it's so clear that we're not even just talking today about the day by day emotional regulation, which we are gonna talk about, but It sounds to me like you've been in seasons where it's significantly impacting your life. And I have been in a season recently where I'm feeling the same way and it's really hard and it's really, I think it's easy to say, and I think you would agree with this, it's so easy to say, God is the answer.

Like we know that logically, but also what does that actually mean? Is a huge question. And let's go a little less deep for a second before we really get into it. and let's just talk about, if we're talking about emotional regulation, that sounds so nice.

It's such a good term and I feel like it's searchable and all the things, but what does that mean? Because I think in this social media world, it would mean. it's like similar to nervous system regulation where it's oh, okay, if you just X, Y, z, get your [00:06:00] sunlight and say the right prayer and whatever, like these three steps, then what I think we could easily think is you kind of like arrive at emotional regulation.

that means like you're not flying off the handle, you're not having anxiety attacks, you're not whatever. What do you think that actually means? 'cause I would assume it's a lot more of a active balance.

Misty When you say what is emotional regulation? I think what people mean is, or what people want is they wanna calm down. They want their emotions to not affect their daily life in such, maybe such an extravagant way. , We don't wanna deal with that. Right. it's really just managing your reactions instead of reacting, responding with intention I can honestly totally agree that it's easy to say like God's the answer, it is, and it's really hard when you're in that moment, something happens or you're in a whole season where something [00:07:00] has happened and. You really need to regulate your emotions because it goes back to , we can only control ourselves, right? And we can try to hyper control everything in this situation, but it really comes down to we can only control ourselves and regulate ourselves. And you know, I have children, I have a 4-year-old who is high needs, he has sensory challenges. He co regulates with me. And if I can't regulate myself, he can't regulate himself.

When I started to see like, oh my goodness, the way that I'm reacting, whether I'm verbal or not, he is playing on that. And I had to learn to calm myself. It started with getting outta my own head. What it comes down to is , how do I calm myself down?

Leisha . Yeah, absolutely. I think that's especially anxiety, right? some of the emotions that I wanted to talk about and emotional patterns are like anxiety, irritability, anger, because I think that, to be [00:08:00] honest, almost all of us could relate to those on a pretty regular basis, especially with kids.

Almost everyone listening has kids and We love them so much and yet they can really trigger us and be overstimulating a lot of times. And I honestly wouldn't even say I'm someone who's easily overstimulated. I feel like I always grew up with a lot going on.

I had four siblings and I was just kind of used to chaos. And even in my motherhood, most of the time I'm like, okay, whatever. It's fine. But then There are these seasons where it's really easy to get pushed over the edge. And there are also seasons in our cycles where it's easy to get pushed over the edge.

So if we're just talking about it more generally though, when we're looking at this emotional regulation, wanting to be able to calm down, whether it's like irritability, anger, anxiety, what are the factors that you see? At play, almost like the dominoes that are knocking each other over because it is so easy to be like, oh my gosh, I should just be able to calm down.

Everything's fine. Or this is the only problem I'm dealing with. , I feel like you can logically tell yourself these things and then it doesn't work, and then you're like, [00:09:00] what the heck is going on?

Misty think. There is a cycle. So we mentioned triggers right there. There's a situation or an event that takes place that triggers a thought. And it may be a conscious thought, it may be a subconscious thought. We may not notice even what's going on in our head. It could be like, I can't do this.

I don't have time for this. You know, whatever it may be. That thought triggers a feeling. Okay. So it's, it's really a cycle. So there's a circumstance or event that takes place. triggers a thought, which triggers a feeling, which will trigger an action. My heart behind this is to slow the role so that you're not going through this in a split second, so that you can really see the factors at play and say, okay, was there an event that took place that triggered this? That caused me to feel overwhelmed, to feel frustrated, to feel angry, to feel, you know, trapped, [00:10:00] whatever it may be, to really be able to name that quickly. Because when you can do that, you kind of take some of the, the power away because our brain is gonna get hung on, like, going on and how can I fix this now? once you can kind of take some of those factors out of play. It takes the mind mess out of it, and then you're just dealing with yourself, okay? Like I'm frustrated. And you can kind of separate yourself from that. Instead of going to feeling guilty, you're like, okay, I'm frustrated. You know? You hold it loosely.

You take it as data and you're like, what caused this? And it's getting curious and saying, why? Why am I frustrated? What's going on? Was there something that happened that caused me to feel frustrated? Have I felt like this before? You know, does this remind me of something? And we all have tendencies. Like my tendency is to go to anger fast. When we can take that data and we know these [00:11:00] dominoes and we say, okay, there was this circumstance that triggered, you know, the thought that triggered the feeling. And I know that my feelings tend to be. anger, confusion, frustration. Then I can kind of backtrack and say, what situations seem to trigger that?

And there's typically patterns, you know, with children. That's the biggest reason I started this is I was triggered constantly by my 4-year-old, by my little guy, and he has sensory processing challenges. And I was like, what is wrong with me? I mean, I've raised three kids at this point, , why this one?

, Why am I triggered this way? It's slowing yourself down enough to understand the thought process of what is going on, is really going on, and why, why. Is my body responding this way? Why is my mind responding this way? Because it all comes to play at that moment, , you're in fight or flight, [00:12:00] or you know you're feeling attacked or you wanna run.

It all kind of will trigger your nervous system. If you can get the mind piece out of it, then you can say, okay, , what can I do? What can I do to be in more control of this?

Leisha Tell us practically, it sounds great to be able to get your mind out of the way, but how do you do that?

Misty Well, if we can say that. Okay. It starts with a trigger, right? Or an event, or there's something that happens. Maybe you just woke up cranky and there wasn't an event and. , We can logically process ourself through this in several ways. There's not any like right or wrong way to process emotions.

You'll see process emotions all over the internet. For me, I have a method that I share with clients what I call IPR method. And all that really means, I is identify. So that's like identify the emotion. P is process. So we're gonna process that emotion. what I do with clients, I am big on journaling and writing it out because if you can write it out, it gets it out of your head and onto [00:13:00] paper essentially it's a brain dump and it's no longer a problem your brain is trying to solve and causing more overwhelm at that point.

So when we process something, it can be done. Through journaling. It can be done verbally with, you know, like talking to a coach or a counselor. It can be done through exercise. A lot of times it's walking and prayer and you know, a voice memo. There's not any right or wrong way to process. Now, depending on your lifestyle, some may be more, doable for you than others. But I definitely recommend journaling or at least jotting stuff down. It doesn't have to be a fancy journal, but I write down the emotion like I'm feeling X, Y, Z X, Y, Z. And it can be as simple as starting there because what I find with women is the biggest hurdle is just awareness. It's in awareness to what you're feeling and [00:14:00] why. taking that cranky example, like, okay, I just woke up cranky. I don't know why. I just woke up grouchy. Nothing triggered me. I would write, I feel grouchy because, I don't know, because maybe I didn't sleep well. Maybe I went to bed too late. And when you let your mind go there, you can start to see maybe more of what did. Contribute to that. may not have been a cause, but there are things that are contributing to it. I think that that is a big piece is identifying it, processing it either through journaling, voice memo, a counselor or a coach. Coaches are so powerful for that reason. and then reflecting, all of that that you wrote down. and looking at it, and I have clients do this for seven days, this, it's tracking, know, these are some emotions that came up and I give them , an emotions wheel or a feelings wheel so they don't have to try to think of, well, I don't know what this is called. You can look at a feelings wheel and you can Google [00:15:00] feelings will, write down this is the emotion, , this is what I felt and this is why I think I felt that emotion.

Or this is what happened and. Logically yourself through that cycle that you went through. it's, it's really just tracking. You're tracking for seven days what went on. And at the end of that week or at the end of a couple days, reflecting on that information you collected and saying, okay, what came up? Were there that the same emotion came up? Why? And you're really looking for patterns. , Patterns of, did I react the same way? Did I feel the same way? Was it this specific kid? Was it because I didn't have dinner ready and or I was trying to send an email when, you know, my kids were pulling at me?

It's really just trying to look for patterns and we're so busy, we don't see them a lot, but they're there.

Leisha I think one of the easiest answers. That I hear sometimes and in my own head too, [00:16:00] is just it's okay, I'm feeling this way and what's the reason? I don't know. It's just so easy to be like, I don't know why I don't know what's happening. and I think that honestly in and of itself is part of the overwhelm of the emotions is we just wanting to go to like, I don't know, because maybe, it would feel overwhelming to know the answer.

So I love what you said about writing it down because it's so true sometimes when you just start writing. It becomes so much more clear what you're even, processing what you need to process versus it just kind of like spinning.

Misty Overwhelm is just feeling like there's too much, right? There's too much. you can release some of that, and I like to tell clients when you're writing stuff out and you're journaling stuff out, you need to look at that as surrender. You're surrendering that to the Lord.

You're saying , this is what's going on and I'm gonna write it down and I'm gonna leave it here, and maybe I'm gonna walk away and maybe I'll come back and maybe I won't. But at least you've gotten that off of your shoulders in that moment to be able to think. And reflect on it a little bit better with a clear head instead of being in the moment, in the mess.

[00:17:00] And a trick to kind of pushing past that. I don't know. 'cause that's always my default. I'm like, I don't know. Like, I don't know. And it's because either I don't wanna do it right now. I don't feel like it, you know, I'm overwhelmed. It's another thing, is to just ask why. And ask why again, and ask why again. And even if it's one word answer, it's better than nothing. And get used to asking yourself why? Several times, several layers deep.

Leisha I think that's the thing too is sometimes there's resistance, right? And so when you're writing, you can like physically push through the resistance a little bit easier than that, Of course, as a mom, there's not a lot of time for deep thinking, personally.

So it's it's just so easy to give yourself that excuse of like, I don't know, okay, I have to do the next thing. gotta go in the car or take the kids, or whatever. So I think that's so good. I really appreciate that. just tip of actually writing it out, and I know we've all heard that, I know that's not like groundbreaking, but also are you doing it, or are you doing it consistently?

Misty what I wanna say is don't think it has to be like 20, 30 minute journaling [00:18:00] session. Be okay with just writing down. I feel angry because my, kid dumped everything all over the floor, and walk away. It doesn't have to take hours. and know that that's the first step in regulating your emotions is, is just being aware of what is going on.

Leisha I love. That. You mentioned that there are some biblical truths that you found really helpful in being able to start to regulate better. Are there some of those that you have available to share?

Misty Yeah. I know we wanted to talk kind of about the correlation between thoughts and feelings so I pulled out several verses that I've kind of used in my ministry and in with what I do with women because what I. Think women don't realize is when we read the scripture and the Bible tells us things like in Deuteronomy six, five, you should love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your might to love the Lord God with all your heart. [00:19:00] That word heart. means your mind also. And so when we see the word heart in scripture, another example is Jeremiah 17, nine through 10. It says, the heart is more deceitful than all else and desperately sick. Who can understand it? I the Lord, search the heart. I test the mind even to give each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds.

So it's really saying, okay, God tells us. That we're to seek him with all our heart, but he also tells us that our heart is deceitful. Well, that word for heart in the Old Testament, it's, which is Hebrew, and in the Greek, which is the New Testament, it's cardia. It always refers to not only your heart, but your mind, your emotions, and your affections. So when we look at verses like these, we are to, , love the Lord God with all of our heart and our mind, right? , What [00:20:00] does that look like? If I'm letting my mind go to places like, for example, in anxiety, where we are stuck in the what ifs? I honoring the Lord with my mind in that moment? Well, no, but I, how do I do that? And so if we can kind of like slow those moments where we're triggered, we can learn to honor him with our mind in these new ways and in our heart and in our emotions, because that's what the scripture's referring to. A big one for me was, trust the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding and all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your past.

That was like one of the first and only scriptures I've memorized. Right. Well, that verse is actually, I've created a coaching exercise with it and was like, okay, trust the Lord with all your heart. What does that look like this moment? Am I doing that? No. Am I trusting him with this situation if I'm flying off the handle? I'm [00:21:00] basically being verbally abusive to my children. You know, is this what a godly mother should look like? not being going to shame, but it's like, why, why am I responding this way? know, the scripture says, do not be anxious about anything. So it warns us to guard our hearts, to keep our hearts fixed on Jesus. doing this, regulating your emotions is exactly that. our heart is our emotions and it's our mind. It's just being intentional with that and slowing yourself down once again long enough to say what's going on and why? Because I wanna honor God with my heart and with my mind, and with my emotions. But if I don't even know what those are, how can I do that?

Leisha I love that you make that so clear that this is biblical to be doing this. Because I think that sometimes, especially when we , look at nervous system regulation, which I would consider to be a piece of emotional regulation too. and like a similar [00:22:00] concept. So much of the time, it almost feels like it's something extra to do, right?

Like it's not just our daily thing, and it's not even something that would be within the realm of I don't know. I wouldn't have necessarily categorized it as okay, this is obeying God to be doing this, except for when I say it. I'm like, well, obviously it is, but like you wouldn't necessarily check that box.

Misty Emotions can be confusing. 'cause the scripture doesn't say like, emotions. Emotions, you know, it doesn't say a lot of that. the one thing that really stood out to me when I was trying to 'cause, mind you, I went through this I was a mess. So one of the verses I have two is second Corinthians 10, three through six.

And it says, for though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. We have to remember. That we have a flesh side, right? Like a worldly, we have tendencies toward selfgratification these kinds of things versus you know, being in the spirit and. [00:23:00] Regulating our emotions and holding them up to the word of God is doing just that. It's saying, I'm surrendering my emotional state to you, and I need you to show me how to walk in the spirit in this moment, not in the flesh. Because when I react in anger, I'm reacting in the flesh. I am not walking in the spirit in that moment. that's really what I wanted to learn was how can I walk in the spirit in this moment and not in the flesh.

Leisha Which I think is such a big question that sometimes it doesn't feel. Tangible, but I feel like you've brought us some pieces that really help make it tangible. and I think that kind of leads to my last question, which was, I think it's so easy to be stuck in your own emotional patterns, whether it's about a certain situation or just like in your life in general, that it's really hard to step back and take stock of what's actually happening.

. Is journaling the main way that you like to do that? Or is there something else that you [00:24:00] can give us as a concept, to be able to do that better?

Misty I love journaling because. Because it can be done anywhere. I journal in my phone. It doesn't have to look a certain way. I also work with coaches, so I'm a verbal processor. So sometimes it's just verbalizing these things and not, you know, we have to be careful to pick a safe person, someone who's gonna point you to Christ and to the Lord and not, you know, let you wallow because like someone that's gonna be real with you. And , just talk it out. Not be afraid to say like, I am so depressed. There's some days I don't wanna wake up. Not being afraid to hold those feelings bare before the Lord and before a safe person. So I prefer. Journaling or verbal, like a coach or a counselor. I also do worksheets.

I have worksheets for my clients and just [00:25:00] simple worksheets. Say like, okay, this was the circumstance that happened. This was the thought that came into my head. This is the feeling. It doesn't have to be complicated. It's just, it's really brain dumping, getting it out of your mind and onto paper and moving on with your life. you know, letting it be like an offering to God. Like, is what's going on and I need help. , I'm gonna choose to surrender it to you and. Ask him. He wants to show you, you know, what's going on, what is underneath all of this. Why am I responding this way and allowing your relationship with God to inform that because he's the one that created you. He created emotions. It's what makes us human. It's how we interact with one another. It's how we interact with God often we make our emotions a moral issue. Like it's good or bad to feel this way. Emotions are just pleasant or unpleasant, it's what we do with them that [00:26:00] matter. I think that's the biggest piece is not feeling guilty or ashamed for having emotions because they're God given. God himself has emotions. It's a very reflection of us being made in the image of God to have emotions. . Holding them loosely, not letting, , like putting them on and it being our identity, it's just journaling them out, writing them out. Like self coaching, walking myself through this and I do that through worksheets and writing because when you write, it uses a different part of your brain and, you'll see more, , You'll see a bigger change there than you will in other ways. Sometimes it's, you know, just solitude, but it is really like carving out space time if it has to be changing your scenery. Going outside, getting in the sunshine. Probably a lot of the things that you share regulating your nervous [00:27:00] system, you have to almost like reset your breaker, flip the switch, start over, you know, and we can do that by journaling, by walking I voice memo sometimes if I'm just really upset about something.

Leisha , Those are also practical too. I love that everything you've said is practical. It's all doable, with whatever schedule you have. So I think that's so helpful and I love that because I think that so much of the time we can just discount these things that are simple, right? And we're like, okay, I have to do it.

more complicated. I have to do this, specific thing. And I don't know what it is, but sometimes it really is like the most simple things, and you can start with that. And then when you start to have a little more clarity on what you even need, then you can find the right person to help you, which I think is so hard.

Support.

Misty to remember when we're talking about regulating emotions, it's a cycle. So what we're doing is we're trying to stop that cycle and take it in the direction that we want versus. It going off on its own, and so, it's really just [00:28:00] stopping yourself. Long enough to do that. And it takes practice,

and as soon as you kind of like figure one out, then all of a sudden something else is gonna start coming up and that's okay. I believe that that's where God is showing us. There's parts of our lives that he wants us to let him in so that he can grow us in new ways. And it's really a beautiful thing.

It's like it's an opportunity for growth and greater dependence on God. Yeah, it feels yucky and it feels messy, and , it's not pretty at all. But that's where we wanna be, is at the feet of the Lord, you know, just in surrender and saying like, Lord, I need you. I need you to inform what's going on.

And I need your truth to be the truth that I'm living from, not whatever I've created, whatever dialogue I've created in my mind and in my own heart. I want to live according to God's [00:29:00] truth.

Leisha that is also a hard one, right? Nothing you're telling, like everything you're saying is simple, but that doesn't make it easy. And I think that's. Very similar. It's very similar.

Misty It's lifelong. We're gonna be doing this forever. It's just when we learn our specific patterns and our specific triggers, it gives you tools in your toolbox to say, okay, now I know this about myself. , How can I grow in this area? Or, , asking God like, okay, God, I'm angry.

, What's under this? For me, it was control. I was a control freak. I still am, know, what am I trying to control? Why? Because I feel unsafe, and so I can know these things about myself now that I didn't know before.

Leisha And then it's a little easier to move in the right direction. Yeah. Okay. I love that. I feel like all of this was really good and like I said, just really practical. And so I know that you have several places people can find you if you wanna tell us what those are. I know your podcast for sure.

So go [00:30:00] ahead and share that with us.

Misty Sure. So I have a podcast. She lives resilient. It is on all the major podcast platforms , you can also find me on the web at. www.mistymcfadden.com. And I have an insider list where I send out weekly emails and let you know when I drop new podcast episodes. I send out, , regulation, worksheets, those types of things,, notify you when I have workshops. And you can join that by going to www.mistymcfadden.com/insider. I drop a podcast episode every Thursday

Leisha Perfect. I love that. Thank you so much, Misty.

Misty Thank you.