E263: Creating Safety in Marriage through Radical Responsibility With Haley Teixeira

Do you notice that once a month your brain is VERY good at convincing you that your husband is the worst? Your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety, and if things feel tense with your spouse, your body stays stuck in a stress response that no amount of supplements can fix.

Today, I’m talking with marriage coach Haley Teixeira about why emotional safety is the actual foundation for hormonal health. We’re diving into how our childhood wounds and patterns create a "protective" internal environment in our relationships that physically deregulates our minerals, leaving us feeling exhausted.

You'll hear:

• How a lack of safety creates a mineral barrier that blocks rest and tanks your energy
• Why being your parents' "emotional confidant" as a kid is still driving your stress today
• Why stepping out of protection mode is the best pro-metabolic shift for your marriage

This episode uncovers your body’s habit of building a literal calcium wall when your home feels like a pressure cooker. Pop it on while you make dinner tonight, because honestly, it’s a lot easier to fix your minerals than it is to find a new husband who doesn't "breathe so loudly".

Nourish Tracker - Discount code: HAPPILYHORMONAL

Download the new 20-min private podcast training - Simply Nourished Cycles

Book a FREE Hormone Strategy Call with me

CONNECT WITH HALEY:
Website

NEED HELP FIXING YOUR HORMONES? CHECK OUT MY RESOURCES:
Hormone Imbalance Quiz - Find out which of the top 3 hormone imbalances affects you most!
Join Nourish Your Hormones Coaching for the step-by-step and my eyes on YOUR hormones for the next 4 months.

Don’t forget to subscribe, share this episode, and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more women looking for answers.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this podcast is to be taken as medical advice, please take informed accountability and speak to your provider before making changes to your health routine.

This podcast is for women and moms to learn how to balance hormones naturally in motherhood, to have pain-free periods, increased fertility, to decrease PMS mood swings, and to increase energy without restrictive diet plans. You'll learn how to balance blood sugar, increase progesterone naturally, understand the root cause of estrogen dominance, irregular periods, PCOS, insulin resistance, hormonal acne, post birth-control syndrome, and conceive naturally. We use a pro-metabolic, whole food, root cause approach to functional women's health and focus on truly holistic health and mind-body connection.

If you listen to any of the following shows, we're sure you'll like ours too! 
Pursuit of Wellness with Mari Llewellyn, Culture Apothecary with Alex Clark, Found My Fitness with Rhonda Patrick, Just Ingredients Podcast, Wellness Mama, The Dr Josh Axe Show, Are You Menstrual Podcast, The Model Health Show, Grounded Wellness By Primally Pure, Be Well By Kelly Leveque, The Freely Rooted Podcast with Kori Meloy, Simple Farmhouse Life with Lisa Bass

Transcript

00:00:00 Leisha

All right, welcome back, ladies.

00:00:01 Leisha

Today we are talking marriage and safety in marriage.

00:00:05 Leisha

And so I brought in a special guest and friend, Haley Teixeira, and she is a kingdom marriage coach.

00:00:10 Leisha

She coaches couples alongside her husband, which I think is really cool that they have both sides of that.

00:00:16 Leisha

And so I am going to just turn it over to you, Haley, and I want to hear from you

00:00:21 Leisha

why you care so much about marriages and why you've started to, you know, devote so much time to helping women and couples with their marriages.

00:00:31 Leisha

And so I just want to hear your heart behind that.

00:00:33 Leisha

And then we're going to have a really good conversation today about how to tangibly create more safety in your marriage, which will create more safety in your body and your hormones.

00:00:43 Leisha

So this is a really good conversation to tune into and stick with us till the end.

00:00:48 Haley

Yes.

00:00:48 Haley

Thank you so much for having me, Leisha.

00:00:50 Haley

I was excited.

00:00:51 Haley

It's going to be powerful conversation, even reminders for us.

00:00:55 Leisha

Yes.

00:00:56 Haley

Always.

00:00:58 Haley

But yeah, so just to start off, I think, man, my passion with this.

00:01:03 Haley

It's funny.

00:01:03 Haley

I think when you ask that, I think of like, oh, you know, a handful of years ago when the Lord really made it clear that this was our calling.

00:01:10 Haley

But really, after, you know, lots of reflection, looking back, I see how

00:01:15 Haley

The passion here started way before that.

00:01:18 Haley

And through my testimony, like growing up and seeing my parents' marriage, which they've been happily married for 30 years now.

00:01:25 Haley

Yeah, they just celebrated their 30 years, which is incredible.

00:01:29 Haley

But it wasn't, it wasn't picture perfect, right?

00:01:31 Haley

Like they had many issues and,

00:01:34 Haley

just lots of things, lots of things that affected me, especially as the oldest daughter.

00:01:38 Haley

And so I often got, kind of became the confidant for my mom and just a lot of pressure there.

00:01:43 Haley

And so I just remember growing up seeing like, okay, wait, they should be more unified than this and having those thoughts.

00:01:49 Haley

Like, why does it have to be this hard and whatnot?

00:01:52 Haley

And so I think that really gave me a passion to, okay, when I get married,

00:01:56 Haley

I want to be unified with my husband.

00:01:58 Haley

Like, I don't want to be confiding in my kids.

00:02:00 Haley

I want to be able to talk to my husband.

00:02:02 Haley

I want to be open.

00:02:03 Haley

I want to be vulnerable and real and not, again, not push that on our children, but even anybody else.

00:02:09 Haley

I just want to have that because I knew that that's how it was supposed to be.

00:02:13 Haley

You know, I think that's how God created it.

00:02:15 Haley

And that was kind of intuitive.

00:02:17 Haley

So yeah, I think that's where my passion started.

00:02:19 Haley

And then it was 2022.

00:02:24 Haley

that I just went down this long, really journey of like, what is my calling?

00:02:29 Haley

Like seeking with the Lord, you know?

00:02:31 Haley

I went to school for marketing and then got my master's.

00:02:35 Haley

And so I'm like, okay, I went down that rabbit hole of just school because I thought that's what I was supposed to do.

00:02:40 Haley

But I'm like, wait, where does motherhood fit in?

00:02:42 Haley

Where does this fit in?

00:02:43 Haley

And then I started leading into entrepreneurship and

00:02:47 Haley

through all that and that journey with the Lord, what am I passionate about?

00:02:50 Haley

Okay, if I want to be an entrepreneur, then what specifically am I called to?

00:02:54 Haley

What industry?

00:02:55 Haley

You know what I mean?

00:02:56 Haley

What is my thing?

00:02:57 Haley

And it always came back to relationships.

00:02:59 Haley

It always came back to, I didn't know it at the beginning was marriage, but God confirmed actually through a prophetic word, through a stranger to me and my husband.

00:03:09 Haley

We were at this revival event and

00:03:11 Haley

And I'm so glad it happened this way.

00:03:13 Haley

God knew and needed to because my passion for marriage and relationship was stirring.

00:03:18 Haley

But my husband was a lot slower because he had been an entrepreneur beforehand.

00:03:22 Haley

for years.

00:03:22 Haley

And, I don't think every man grows up thinking, I'm going to be a marriage coach.

00:03:27 Haley

Like, that's not what they think.

00:03:28 Haley

We're more drawn to it as women, right?

00:03:31 Haley

But not so much him.

00:03:32 Haley

And so he kind of had his own journey with the Lord, that the Lord was, you know, digging up his vision so he could receive the vision that God had for him in the marketplace.

00:03:42 Haley

And so anyway, through a complete stranger at this event, he was praying for my husband.

00:03:46 Haley

He was like, I see marriage and family.

00:03:48 Haley

And instantly I'm there like listening and my husband's weeping, I'm weeping.

00:03:52 Haley

And I'm just like, wow, how much clearer could it be?

00:03:55 Haley

And it was actually, actually it could be clear.

00:03:57 Haley

So that same weekend, we had another family friend in Brazil, which is where my husband is from.

00:04:03 Haley

And she's just very in tune with the Holy Spirit and prophetic is one of her gifting as well.

00:04:08 Haley

And so she's shared words over the years, like here and there, but that same weekend that this event happened, she also said something about, I see you in a living room with other married couples.

00:04:19 Haley

And she's just sharing.

00:04:20 Haley

And we're like, oh my goodness, this is like, again, how much clearer could this be?

00:04:25 Haley

And so I think at that point, my husband finally received us like, this is a mission.

00:04:29 Haley

This is not just a business.

00:04:31 Haley

This is way bigger than us.

00:04:33 Haley

But it really is a calling.

00:04:34 Haley

And so at that point, it's like,

00:04:36 Haley

I haven't viewed this as just like my passion.

00:04:39 Haley

I've really viewed this as like a ministry and a calling.

00:04:42 Haley

And the Lord puts people in places for specific things within the church and to support the body.

00:04:48 Haley

And it's just been made obvious that this is it.

00:04:51 Haley

And so I've really taken it seriously in our whole business and podcasts and things up until this point.

00:04:57 Haley

I know we were just speaking beforehand of like, this is the Lord's business.

00:05:00 Haley

And I've seen it as that because it's been so obvious that he called me.

00:05:04 Haley

It's not that I thought of this thing and, I want to do this.

00:05:08 Haley

It's the root, the meat and potatoes of it is like, I want you to do this.

00:05:12 Haley

And it's like, okay, Lord.

00:05:14 Haley

I'm here, you know?

00:05:15 Haley

And so anyway, that's kind of how it started.

00:05:17 Leisha

I love that.

00:05:18 Leisha

I think that the clarity for you is...

00:05:21 Leisha

so helpful to be able to just say like, okay, this is, this is where we're going.

00:05:25 Leisha

This is what you're doing.

00:05:25 Leisha

And especially to have that with your husband as well is great and very fruitful in just not, maybe not doubting that decision or not, you know, trying to take other paths along the way and things like that.

00:05:39 Leisha

So what I really want to start with in our conversation is when I think of safety in marriage, I think there's different places that my mind goes.

00:05:51 Leisha

And I just want to start with, I think so many of us dream, kind of what you were saying, with your parents' relationship and what you saw, we dream of getting married as little girls.

00:06:02 Leisha

Most of us do, I think.

00:06:04 Leisha

And having kids, and I think that that's at least something that most of us used to dream of.

00:06:09 Leisha

And then I think some of us now, it's almost like not a dream until we get to the age where we're like, okay, I actually do want that.

00:06:16 Leisha

So it may not have been like a lifelong thing, but we have these perceptions in our mind of like what marriage

00:06:21 Leisha

marriage should be.

00:06:22 Leisha

And if it doesn't fit in that category, or like there are boxes that are not being checked in your marriage, it can be so easy to think that it's the wrong person or it's the wrong marriage, or there has to be a big overhaul of everything.

00:06:38 Leisha

And there can be a lot of discontentment with that.

00:06:40 Leisha

I think a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, especially in the Christian spaces where divorce is often, divorce is still just as common.

00:06:51 Leisha

It's like almost the same numbers, isn't it?

00:06:53 Leisha

But there's, I think, a lot more shame around it.

00:06:55 Leisha

And I think there's shame around divorce in general.

00:06:57 Leisha

But it's almost like, okay, the only path to reconciliation is marriage counseling.

00:07:03 Leisha

If that doesn't work, then we get divorced.

00:07:06 Leisha

And I think that there can be so much more nuance, even if you're not in a relationship where you're thinking about divorce or headed for divorce and you're in a stable relationship that you want to stay in.

00:07:19 Leisha

there still can be so much hurt and so much guilt and so much shame in the relationship based on past experiences, whether it has to do with your marriage or it has to do with your childhood or your own, your own wounds from other things.

00:07:34 Leisha

And so before we started recording, when we started talking about safety, you made this comment that you said safety is related to healing.

00:07:43 Leisha

And I love that.

00:07:44 Leisha

And so I would love for you to just

00:07:46 Leisha

kind of like expound on that and tell us what are some of the pieces that need to be considered when we think about safety in marriage and healing in marriage in kind of like a bigger picture context.

00:07:57 Haley

First of all, I just, I want us to remember like marriage, because I love what you said about how we have this idea of what it looks like.

00:08:04 Haley

And we do talk to a lot of our couples about this.

00:08:06 Haley

Like this is,

00:08:07 Haley

the meat and potatoes of our program, our work, what we do is really going back first to what you're talking about now, the previous things, because it's, when you think of marriage, it's two different human beings, completely different personalities most of the time, completely different experiences, different ways of thinking, literally God wired men and women very, very differently, different, you know, like I said, past wounds and trauma and just all the things, right?

00:08:35 Haley

So it's like,

00:08:36 Haley

completely different people, when you bring those two people together and now God says they're one flesh, that's hard because it's like we're so different.

00:08:45 Haley

And so the conflict in marriage happens when our differences clash.

00:08:50 Haley

All those differences clash.

00:08:51 Haley

And so a lot of the couples we work with, that's a big part of where we start is, okay,

00:08:57 Haley

Understanding conflict, because again, we all have different upbringings of what conflict look like.

00:09:02 Haley

some, upbringings, like I never saw my parents in conflict.

00:09:06 Haley

So now I'm in marriage and boom, things are blowing up and oh my gosh, this must be the wrong person, like you said, or there must be something wrong with me or all these, you know, expectations and it's just all internal like processing all that, right?

00:09:18 Haley

And then others are like, I'm talking so loud.

00:09:21 Haley

This isn't conflict.

00:09:22 Haley

This is normal.

00:09:23 Haley

It's like raised voice, right?

00:09:24 Haley

And the other spouse is like, whoa, like, I don't feel safe literally right now.

00:09:28 Haley

Stress response.

00:09:29 Haley

Figuring out what conflict is.

00:09:31 Haley

Conflict is simply just clashing of the differences.

00:09:35 Haley

But then understanding that.

00:09:37 Haley

The safety is required to actually create that intimacy.

00:09:41 Haley

And so it's really hard to create the intimacy without that safety.

00:09:45 Haley

Okay, well, Haley, how do we create the safety?

00:09:47 Haley

Well, you understand that conflict is normal, but the key here is having trust during conflict.

00:09:56 Haley

Trust, because that's where the safety comes in, even if you're having a conflict.

00:10:00 Haley

It's going to happen, right?

00:10:02 Haley

We have to think very differently.

00:10:03 Haley

We have different opinions than our spouses, right?

00:10:05 Haley

And most of the time it's not someone's right, someone's wrong.

00:10:09 Haley

It's just we don't understand each other.

00:10:11 Haley

Where do we begin in understanding each other?

00:10:13 Haley

Well, we got to be able to communicate.

00:10:15 Haley

Well, how can we communicate if we're both tense and we're both stuck in our stress responses?

00:10:20 Haley

Okay, that is where we circle back to the healing.

00:10:23 Haley

And that is where we start with all of our couples.

00:10:25 Haley

We have to go through the whole phase two of our program is healing their heart with the Lord, because that is often where we're coming into marriage, expecting it to be one way.

00:10:34 Haley

And then really it's just a mirror.

00:10:36 Haley

Our marriage is just a mirror re-emphasizing the things that haven't yet been healed, right?

00:10:42 Haley

It's like the, it's not our spouse poking the button.

00:10:45 Haley

It's the familiarity and wow, they did something that felt the same way as my mom growing up or my dad or my ex, and then it pokes them.

00:10:54 Haley

And so boom, becomes a conflict and then no one feels safe.

00:10:57 Haley

And so the key with really creating that intimacy is, yeah, it's getting that safety.

00:11:02 Haley

And that really does start with healing with the Lord.

00:11:05 Haley

Because if we look at our spouse to heal us, man, they got their own stuff, right?

00:11:11 Haley

And so we really try to empower couples to

00:11:14 Haley

Do the introspection work, but then do it with the Lord because safety with your spouse really starts with safety with God.

00:11:22 Haley

How can you feel safe with another person if you can't feel safe with your creator?

00:11:26 Haley

You know what I mean?

00:11:26 Haley

Another physical person who's very different.

00:11:30 Leisha

And that has to go back to all of the layers of beliefs that you have built over your life about what is safe and what is not safe.

00:11:38 Leisha

If you don't have the experience of a father who is safe

00:11:43 Leisha

and you're looking at God as a father and trying to reconcile that, that can be really hard.

00:11:50 Leisha

I think that that's a blessing that I have always had as a father who did feel really safe and was always the one that I could count on imperfectly, but perfectly enough, right, for that safety.

00:12:04 Leisha

And so seeing God as a father

00:12:06 Leisha

has always been something that does feel safe to me.

00:12:10 Leisha

But having a relationship with the other parts of God, like Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and really, I want to say investing in those relationships, like that's where it was different.

00:12:18 Leisha

That's where it was harder for me because the father part, I was always like, okay, this is understandable for me.

00:12:23 Leisha

So I think that there's so many layers to that.

00:12:25 Leisha

Something that I see.

00:12:27 Leisha

a lot in women and in myself, I'm never here just speaking out of, speaking about other women like, oh, these people have, you know, this going on.

00:12:36 Leisha

I can always see it in myself too, but is this belief system that we have to be the ones to hold it all.

00:12:43 Leisha

And I can, I see this as, you know, that's not safety with God.

00:12:48 Leisha

Like that's not surrender to God.

00:12:49 Leisha

And so I love your point that that is where we start.

00:12:52 Leisha

And when we

00:12:55 Leisha

have this belief system that we are the ones who have to hold it all.

00:12:59 Leisha

If we don't do it, won't get done.

00:13:02 Leisha

This, you know, it comes again from our perspectives and beliefs in the past and things that have happened in our lives.

00:13:07 Leisha

I think, especially as like an oldest child, I'm also an oldest child.

00:13:11 Leisha

There is responsibility that comes with that.

00:13:13 Leisha

And there is this piece where you're like, okay, I'm the one who gets things done and just different personality types too.

00:13:19 Leisha

But there is almost like a trauma response or like a stress response that puts us in that place.

00:13:26 Leisha

And.

00:13:27 Leisha

To get into the physical side of it, it specifically dysregulates our minerals in a certain way that almost puts up a wall around our cells with calcium, and it makes it harder to break through.

00:13:39 Leisha

If we come into a marriage with this perspective that we are the only ones who can do things right, we are the only ones who can get things done, we are the only ones who we can count on, it makes it really hard to fit into

00:13:55 Leisha

I believe the roles that God has really provided for us, where you were talking about like men and women are so different.

00:14:02 Leisha

And when women are in this hard, almost like hard-hearted, like not on purpose, none of us would try to be hard-hearted on purpose, but it's protective.

00:14:13 Leisha

We have our walls up, whether we think we do against our husband or not.

00:14:17 Leisha

It's hard for us to be in that feminine, like surrender and receiving role that is so beautiful in marriage.

00:14:25 Leisha

And it pushes our husbands out of their masculine role because we're filling that spot and they're usually trying to keep the peace.

00:14:33 Leisha

And that creates a lot of distrust between both of you.

00:14:38 Leisha

I have seen where it's like he wants you to trust and respect him.

00:14:43 Leisha

And you think you do, but every time there's a reason not to, whether it's like a real solid evidence reason, or just like he didn't really do the laundry the way we wanted, or that kind of thing, that adds up so quickly.

00:14:59 Leisha

It just turns those belief systems back on.

00:15:02 Leisha

I can't trust him to do the kid's diaper right, or whatever it is.

00:15:06 Leisha

And then we just keep building those walls.

00:15:09 Leisha

And I think that that is a huge issue for trust in relationships, because then he doesn't feel the ability to lead.

00:15:17 Leisha

He doesn't feel like you want him to lead.

00:15:19 Leisha

He doesn't feel like you trust him to lead.

00:15:21 Leisha

Even if you think you do, but what you're saying with your actions and what you actually believe subconsciously doesn't align with that, I think that that's huge.

00:15:30 Leisha

And then he doesn't feel safety on his side either, because he's like, she doesn't trust me, she doesn't respect me.

00:15:36 Leisha

even if you think you do, and then that, then he's shutting down as well.

00:15:41 Leisha

So I think that that's a huge, a huge issue for safety.

00:15:45 Haley

For sure.

00:15:46 Haley

Yeah, it's like how you're carrying yourself.

00:15:48 Haley

It's all internal.

00:15:50 Haley

whether you're like, I want to trust you, but I don't.

00:15:52 Haley

Like, that's fine.

00:15:53 Haley

We need to admit that.

00:15:54 Haley

Awareness is always the first step to change.

00:15:57 Haley

But yeah, I mean, everything you're describing, 1000%, it really takes owning the fact that, wow, this is reality.

00:16:04 Haley

Like, for us, and I actually didn't mention it.

00:16:07 Haley

In the intro, because I went even deeper with where my passions started, but a lot of this also came from our marriage and our relationship when we were actually engaged.

00:16:18 Haley

A lot of the triggers, we were going down just the path with the Lord, we were seeking Him, just both of us.

00:16:25 Haley

The more you seek the Lord, the more the healing comes.

00:16:27 Haley

It's just, if you keep going down, he's going to take you into healing because he wants us whole.

00:16:32 Haley

And salvation actually means wholeness, like sozo in Greek, sozo, whole body, mind, spirit, like wholeness.

00:16:39 Haley

That's how he wants us.

00:16:41 Haley

And that's what he offers us.

00:16:43 Haley

But we have to say yes to the journey, you know?

00:16:45 Haley

And again, trust that it's going to be better on the other side.

00:16:49 Haley

When we were engaged, that's when

00:16:51 Haley

our triggers started coming up and it was exactly kind of how you described.

00:16:56 Haley

I mean, Nick was raised with a single mom, only child, two.

00:17:00 Haley

So lots of enmeshment there.

00:17:02 Haley

Complete opposite of me.

00:17:04 Haley

I had my parents and then I'm the oldest of two younger brothers.

00:17:06 Haley

So bigger family, parents.

00:17:08 Haley

So very, very different upbringings.

00:17:10 Haley

And so he had the first, you know, I think,

00:17:14 Haley

There's always layers, right?

00:17:15 Haley

Everyone's like, Oh, I don't have trauma.

00:17:17 Haley

Everyone has trauma.

00:17:18 Haley

It can be some small thing.

00:17:20 Haley

If it really hit you hard as a child, it's worth taking and laying at the Lord's feet.

00:17:24 Haley

Even if it feels minuscule or it feels trivial, it still matters, and the Lord cares about that.

00:17:29 Haley

So it doesn't have to be this big thing to be considered trauma.

00:17:33 Haley

But for us, it was the first things that came up was his mother wounds.

00:17:38 Haley

And naturally, in a relationship now, I have a strong personality, just like his mom.

00:17:43 Haley

So there's a lot of just flashbacks there, if you will, emotional flashbacks, lots of triggers there.

00:17:49 Haley

And then for me, the father womb came up first, because again, in a relationship, I'm not feeling safe emotionally.

00:17:55 Haley

Growing up with my father, he was always present.

00:17:57 Haley

He was always physically there, and I felt safe in that regard.

00:18:00 Haley

But emotionally, that's again.

00:18:02 Haley

that could be traumatic because we need that emotional nurturing as a child.

00:18:07 Haley

And so without getting that, there are many times when I feel like I'm so alone because I'm like, I feel like no one understands me.

00:18:14 Haley

Anyway, so that, you know, when...

00:18:16 Haley

the husband or my fiance at the time didn't know how to talk about emotional stuff.

00:18:21 Haley

It flashed me back to, wow, I've been here before.

00:18:24 Haley

Like not feeling validated, not feeling like I'm making sense, right?

00:18:28 Haley

We start to feel crazy as women because we have so many emotions and it's different than the man, right?

00:18:32 Haley

So anyway, I would get triggered.

00:18:35 Haley

Then when I'm triggered, I would get defensive.

00:18:36 Haley

Then I would trigger him, right?

00:18:38 Haley

Being louder, trigger his mother wound, and then just round and round the cycle would go.

00:18:43 Haley

And so that was really the first

00:18:46 Haley

I mean, like I said, engagement and he thought conflict was like, man, I guess this is it.

00:18:52 Haley

We're done.

00:18:52 Haley

And I was like, what are you talking about?

00:18:54 Haley

Again, he had the father when his dad was in his life growing up.

00:18:57 Haley

He saw his parents not together.

00:18:58 Haley

So he's like thinking this is it.

00:18:59 Haley

I'm like, no, we're going, we're going to make this work.

00:19:02 Haley

We're going to figure it out.

00:19:03 Haley

You know, God brought us together for a reason.

00:19:05 Haley

So anyway, like those different, again, backgrounds.

00:19:08 Haley

But that's really where it started for us too, personally experiencing this of, wow.

00:19:15 Haley

Again, I came into marriage with the belief and such strong faith that I know it could be different than what I witnessed.

00:19:21 Haley

But then starting all that came up, I'm like, okay, well, I know it can be different.

00:19:25 Haley

And that faith really is what got us through at the beginning.

00:19:28 Haley

And I really poured that faith into him at the time.

00:19:31 Haley

And he'll tell you that.

00:19:32 Haley

He's like, I didn't think, I don't know.

00:19:34 Haley

This sense seems like

00:19:36 Haley

We're doomed, do you know what I mean?

00:19:37 Haley

And I'm like, no, let's just lean in.

00:19:38 Haley

Like, God, there's stuff here for us to dig up and to heal from.

00:19:42 Haley

And so anyway, healing from that, it made it where he went from being more in the feminine.

00:19:49 Haley

right?

00:19:49 Haley

Most of the time.

00:19:50 Haley

And I was wearing my masculine.

00:19:51 Haley

And so then we've been on a journey of going back and getting in better alignment where I can actually rest.

00:19:58 Haley

And I don't feel like I have to be the one and where he can actually step up and he can feel competent.

00:20:02 Haley

And, you know, from his mom, like criticizing him constantly growing up.

00:20:06 Haley

I feel like I'm actually capable of being the leader and just life's spoken into him, you know?

00:20:12 Haley

And so you're right, like everything you were sharing, having that understanding, I think, number one of

00:20:17 Haley

What is your tendency?

00:20:18 Haley

What are you coming into marriage with?

00:20:20 Haley

Like, we all have to take an assessment.

00:20:21 Haley

No one's perfect.

00:20:22 Haley

It's only our job to look at our stuff, right?

00:20:26 Haley

We're accountable.

00:20:27 Haley

We'll be held accountable to our thoughts, our behaviors, our emotional things that we deal with or don't deal with.

00:20:33 Haley

That's between us and God, right?

00:20:35 Haley

And then also, what does God want for me?

00:20:38 Haley

Like, as a believer, especially, like, okay, I believe God created marriage.

00:20:43 Haley

It's supposed to work.

00:20:44 Haley

It's supposed to be harmonious.

00:20:45 Haley

Okay, it's not harmonious right now.

00:20:47 Haley

It's not feeling safe.

00:20:48 Haley

It's not feeling that way.

00:20:49 Haley

Well, let me see where I can shift.

00:20:51 Haley

What direction do I need to shift?

00:20:53 Haley

And so for me, like you shared, resting more in the feminine, it's been a journey.

00:20:58 Haley

But I will say that doing it with your spouse is the best way.

00:21:02 Haley

You can't control your spouse, so they have to choose.

00:21:04 Haley

But at least for

00:21:05 Haley

For us, it's been such a blessing and just seeing the growth happen so much quicker.

00:21:09 Haley

When the wife focuses on what she can do, okay, I need to be softer.

00:21:12 Haley

Okay, he's not my dad.

00:21:15 Haley

Okay, I didn't feel safe with my dad or I didn't feel like I can trust my dad.

00:21:17 Haley

Okay, he's not my dad.

00:21:18 Haley

Having those truths, like renewing your mind with that truth, right?

00:21:22 Haley

and holding onto it and expecting the journey to be messy, but focusing on what you can do.

00:21:26 Haley

And then the husband doing the same, okay, she's not my mom, or whatever the case is for them, right?

00:21:32 Haley

And speaking that truth into them, it helps.

00:21:35 Haley

So then we're both working on what we can do and it just flows so much better.

00:21:39 Haley

Instead of listening to the enemy and just getting stuck and like, oh, it's them, it's because they didn't take out the trash, that's why I can't trust them.

00:21:49 Haley

Trust, yes, it's like you can, you always build the legs to the table, but I think that's why it goes back to the healing of like, is that the full truth though?

00:21:57 Haley

Because a lot of times when we come into marriage, there's this lens and that's the trauma, that's the triggers, that's all that, it's not yet dealt with.

00:22:04 Haley

If that's how you're looking at your husband, then you're never going to trust him because he's never going to be perfect and he's never going to be God.

00:22:12 Haley

So when you trust God,

00:22:14 Haley

And I think I stump a lot of my clients and I've brought this up even before we worked with directly married couples, like even engaged couples and dating couples, which is kind of where we started.

00:22:25 Haley

I'm like, do you, on this conversation, I'm like, do you trust the Lord?

00:22:29 Haley

Do you trust that the Lord brought you to this man?

00:22:31 Haley

There was a couple that was engaged and she was like questioning kind of what we were talking about.

00:22:36 Haley

But I was like, okay, so

00:22:38 Haley

that's fine.

00:22:39 Haley

That's valid.

00:22:39 Haley

You know how you're feeling, of course.

00:22:40 Haley

I was like, but do you trust that the Lord brought you to this guy?

00:22:43 Haley

Like, do you think that the Lord is calling you guys to get married?

00:22:47 Haley

And she was like, yes, I do, blah, blah.

00:22:49 Haley

And I was like, okay.

00:22:52 Haley

then you can trust the Lord that he will get you through all these challenges that he will continue working in your fiance or soon to be husband.

00:22:59 Haley

He will continue strengthening him and he will continue helping you rest.

00:23:04 Haley

Like he will, God will continue working it out.

00:23:06 Haley

Sanctification.

00:23:07 Haley

No one's just **** perfect.

00:23:08 Haley

Even when we become believers, it's a journey, you know?

00:23:11 Haley

And so as long as you trust the Lord, then that should be enough to trust your husband, even in his imperfection when he's not there yet, no one's going to be there fully, but we will, again,

00:23:22 Haley

And if you're leaning in and following the Lord, we will get closer and closer to what it's like to be Proverbs 31 wife and a godly husband.

00:23:29 Haley

We should be getting closer to that in our journey.

00:23:31 Haley

But it really does stem down to trusting God.

00:23:34 Haley

I also like what you said about what part of God do I need to work on my relationship with?

00:23:40 Haley

Because you're right, sometimes it is the father for many of us.

00:23:44 Haley

But others, it's like, no, I had a great father.

00:23:45 Haley

Like you said, that wasn't the

00:23:47 Haley

biggest thing for me, but Holy Spirit, right?

00:23:50 Haley

Which is more of that feminine side of God, because God has masculine and feminine.

00:23:55 Haley

So it's like, am I comfortable with that?

00:23:57 Haley

I mean, even for me, I remember coming on my healing journey, like at the beginning, it's so funny, like I said, my husband more in the feminine, I was more in the masculine, now we're kind of finding our grounding in that, in the opposite, or not opposite, but like, you know, majority of the time, females and their feminine, majority of the time, husbands and their masculine, but we always have both.

00:24:18 Haley

and we overlap.

00:24:19 Haley

But anyway, at the beginning, the last thought I'll share is we would do like devotionals together and stuff.

00:24:25 Haley

And Nick would always be so excited to just, we have one that's at the beginning where you just take deep breaths with God and you take like two minutes and you just sit in God's presence.

00:24:35 Haley

And he would love that part.

00:24:36 Haley

And I would be like, can we move on to where we can read something?

00:24:40 Haley

Can we do something?

00:24:41 Haley

That was me.

00:24:42 Haley

And now, three, four, five years later, I'm like,

00:24:45 Haley

of course, motherhood and all of that in the equation now.

00:24:49 Haley

I love just sitting and resting in the presence of God and Holy Spirit.

00:24:52 Haley

You know, that's not where it started for me either.

00:24:55 Haley

And so now I feel safe enough to do that and really be seen by God, which that's a big part of the safety.

00:25:00 Haley

Like I don't feel safe being fully seen by God, even though he sees everything.

00:25:04 Haley

That's an opportunity for healing as well.

00:25:07 Leisha

Yeah, I love this.

00:25:09 Leisha

You know, I think just in the,

00:25:12 Leisha

The way that the internet is these days, I feel like I kind of need to make this disclaimer and maybe I do, maybe I don't.

00:25:20 Leisha

But I kind of like thinking about our whole conversation here.

00:25:24 Leisha

Clearly, there are marriages that are truly not safe and we are not saying, you know, that everything can be fixed.

00:25:31 Leisha

And what we are saying is that there is healing with the Lord.

00:25:36 Leisha

He can do miracles.

00:25:38 Leisha

and he doesn't say to stay somewhere that's not safe.

00:25:42 Leisha

And I think really what we're talking about here is taking that radical responsibility for yourself and your relationship with the Lord, your healing, and hopefully you're in a marriage where your husband is willing to do the same.

00:25:57 Leisha

It's not all on you, but we are speaking to the women here primarily.

00:26:01 Leisha

Most of the people listening to this will be women on this podcast.

00:26:04 Leisha

And so we're wanting to encourage and share our journeys of imperfectly going through this and taking that responsibility.

00:26:12 Leisha

Because I think that especially when hormones are involved, especially when we're luteal, especially, you know, those times where things feel harder in our heads, it can be so easy

00:26:24 Leisha

to put all the blame on someone else and be in that victim mindset more than we think we are.

00:26:29 Leisha

I have seen the most change in my relationship when I'm willing to take my own stuff and work on it.

00:26:38 Leisha

And I am very imperfect in this.

00:26:40 Leisha

There are lots of times that I don't do it.

00:26:42 Leisha

There's lots of times that I'm like, I tell them, actually, I've gotten more honest with it and I like to almost joke because sometimes I'll get really irritated about something and I'll tell my, and he, you know, he's like, what's going on?

00:26:53 Leisha

And I'll be like, well, I'm being told that you're the worst, actually.

00:26:58 Leisha

Oh my goodness.

00:26:59 Haley

Just gonna be honest, this is my thought.

00:27:02 Leisha

Like, I'm getting some intel right now that the way you did the dishwasher is the dumbest.

00:27:07 Leisha

I don't say it in a mean way, but just I'll try to make a joke about it.

00:27:11 Leisha

And my husband takes that really well.

00:27:13 Leisha

But it's also like, it makes my feelings lighter and my truly like this victim mindset that is so easy to just like, come on and

00:27:22 Leisha

it really helps me to be like, okay, this is actually what's happening.

00:27:25 Leisha

Lies are coming in my head that are not exactly rational, that are not really true.

00:27:30 Leisha

And I'm talking about, you know, the dumb things for the most part.

00:27:33 Leisha

Sometimes it's helpful to just speak it out and be like, this is what's happening in my head.

00:27:38 Leisha

And I can see that it's not fully true.

00:27:41 Leisha

But then there's much deeper communication that probably needs to happen.

00:27:44 Leisha

But just in that moment, sometimes the honesty of like,

00:27:50 Leisha

This is what's going on in my head.

00:27:52 Leisha

When I say it out loud, we can both kind of see that it's not like a really big deal.

00:27:57 Leisha

And we can talk through it or not if it's not even needed, but we're on the same page.

00:28:04 Leisha

Even just that has been a helpful step in.

00:28:07 Leisha

in me not staying in my own little thought patterns and belief systems of like, he did this one thing that I didn't really like.

00:28:16 Leisha

And then that means I'm not safe in all these other areas, but it's like, okay, if I can just stop this here and I can let it be about whatever the one thing was that I didn't really like, that wasn't a big deal and just let that out, then it's like, it can just dissolve, it can go away versus it becoming this.

00:28:35 Leisha

I think sometimes

00:28:36 Leisha

In the past, I've thought, if it's not a big deal, it's better for me to not say it.

00:28:41 Leisha

And in my relationship, that's actually not helpful most of the time because I'm over here being the martyr and like, I'm not saying anything.

00:28:48 Leisha

I'm so great.

00:28:49 Leisha

He's the worst.

00:28:51 Leisha

Right?

00:28:51 Leisha

And it's like, okay, that's very unhelpful.

00:28:53 Haley

Which is also not good.

00:28:55 Haley

And a lot of women do.

00:28:55 Haley

They just stuff, stuff, stuff.

00:28:57 Haley

And so you can't stuff anymore.

00:28:58 Haley

And then...

00:28:59 Haley

It's like a tiny little boop and it blows up.

00:29:02 Haley

And so that's why like just finding a healthy outlet, which girlfriends are amazing for that.

00:29:08 Haley

Godly girlfriends, you know, who can hold space, but also validate you, but lead you to truth and just, you know, grounded perspective, but even just like journaling to God.

00:29:18 Haley

And as you're talking, I'm thinking like prayer, you're exactly right.

00:29:21 Haley

Cause I have those moments too, but it's like, wait, cause prayer, all prayer is, is like viewing God in this scenario.

00:29:28 Haley

I actually read my devotion

00:29:29 Haley

this morning, like anxiety is like you're viewing all these things, but without me in the picture.

00:29:33 Haley

And that's why there's anxiety there.

00:29:35 Haley

And again, this rooted on trusting God and feeling safe in his presence, obviously.

00:29:39 Haley

So that's key.

00:29:41 Haley

And you need to work on that.

00:29:42 Haley

That's great.

00:29:43 Haley

And you get to rewrite who he really is and all, you know, and his three, three different forms.

00:29:49 Haley

But yeah, praying without ceasing, because when I shift from those thoughts to, oh,

00:29:53 Haley

okay, Lord, Lord, I'm feeling irritated and like literally just being honest with him, whether it's in prayer or, you know, going to journal when I have time alone, it's, you get it out of you.

00:30:03 Haley

And I think us women need that.

00:30:05 Haley

I mean, we especially need it in the luteal and the menstrual where we're more inward.

00:30:10 Haley

We need to, we need to go inward and we need to tend to ourselves.

00:30:13 Haley

And I think a lot of times when we don't, and I've been, as I've been paying more attention to my cycle this past year and some change,

00:30:22 Haley

I noticed like, okay, I need extra TLC to myself the end of it, which I think what happens is as women, when it comes out and little things are happening like you shared and it comes out of them, and a lot of times that will start a conflict because they're like, what the heck?

00:30:37 Haley

They're not going through the same hormonal stuff we are.

00:30:39 Haley

So it becomes bigger just to us.

00:30:41 Haley

And that becomes the lens.

00:30:43 Haley

When we don't, again, take ownership, like you said, of this is where I'm at in my cycle.

00:30:48 Haley

I need some extra things.

00:30:50 Haley

I need some extra space to process.

00:30:52 Haley

I need some extra girl time.

00:30:54 Haley

I need some extra alone time.

00:30:56 Haley

Like whatever you need, you know?

00:30:59 Haley

It becomes like, oh, it's on him.

00:31:00 Haley

When in reality, no, it's just another opportunity for us to practice giving us what we need.

00:31:05 Haley

And a lot of times in prayer, it's like, okay, okay, Lord, you're right.

00:31:08 Haley

That's not him.

00:31:09 Haley

The Lord helps keep us in check, right?

00:31:11 Haley

But when it's just us, we can build it so much sower.

00:31:15 Haley

Like you said, he's the bad guy.

00:31:17 Haley

And it's like, wait.

00:31:18 Haley

When we act on that, I think when we leave that unchecked is when it causes a lot of unnecessary conflict.

00:31:24 Haley

Yeah, I mean, another thing is having your husband, I started doing this a couple months.

00:31:28 Haley

I'm curious if you do this, but where I literally put my cycle on a written calendar where I'll color code it so he'll know and like have the back of his head.

00:31:36 Haley

Again, not his full responsibility.

00:31:39 Haley

My actions, my attitude, it's still all on me.

00:31:42 Haley

The Lord's grace, I need to give myself what I need so I can be more grounded and whatnot.

00:31:47 Haley

But it does help.

00:31:48 Haley

So he's in the know and he's not like, what on earth?

00:31:50 Haley

He's like, okay, and he can have extra grace those two weeks.

00:31:55 Haley

That really has helped.

00:31:56 Haley

It's become a funny thing.

00:31:57 Haley

We've shared it with a friend and they're like, really?

00:31:59 Haley

We're like, come on now with extra grace.

00:32:02 Haley

We need to be on the same page, right?

00:32:04 Haley

Different body rhythms.

00:32:06 Leisha

Well, and that's something that I talk about a lot is like creating a bubble around yourself in luteal, like for the days you need it.

00:32:13 Leisha

And that sounds bigger than it is.

00:32:15 Leisha

It's really, but taking that responsibility and not, even if, if your husband, like you do have it on your calendar and he should know.

00:32:24 Leisha

Also, he's never experienced it.

00:32:26 Leisha

So he still doesn't get it.

00:32:28 Leisha

No matter how much he's seen you and he loves you and he knows you're different and all those things, he still doesn't get it.

00:32:35 Leisha

especially if you really don't have a lot of PMS or, you know, there's not much change, but there's still those underlying changes that we all have.

00:32:45 Leisha

That can be something that, you know, sometimes it comes out of the blue and doesn't expect it.

00:32:48 Leisha

So I, all I was gonna say with that is most of the time in stable relationships, they are so willing to help give us that space.

00:32:58 Leisha

If we communicate it well, and if we communicate ahead of time, like you are with your calendar, and you're like, here I am, this is what's going on.

00:33:05 Leisha

But I love to say that if there's say day 25 through 28 of your cycle, you're like, I'm not myself, I'm working on it, right?

00:33:14 Leisha

We're working on the things.

00:33:16 Leisha

And this is where I struggle.

00:33:18 Leisha

Then day 24, 23, that's where you start to create that bubble.

00:33:22 Leisha

And even if your husband is unable to help, too busy, unwilling, whatever it is,

00:33:28 Leisha

You can still create that for yourself.

00:33:30 Leisha

Even if it's just something like the kids go down for a nap and you're going to do something you want during that time, instead of the dishes.

00:33:37 Leisha

Hey, the lunch dishes don't get done for three or four days and you do them at dinner.

00:33:41 Leisha

It's okay.

00:33:41 Leisha

You can take things off your own plate, even if you feel like you don't have help.

00:33:46 Leisha

And if you can also examine that belief of like, would someone be willing to help if I communicated that or if I was willing to ask for it, even if it is your kids.

00:33:57 Leisha

even if it's your mom, even if it's not your husband.

00:34:00 Leisha

I think that that's really an important place to take responsibility to and just say, hey, I'm going to communicate this calmly and ahead of time.

00:34:08 Leisha

And also not making it a whole thing where you're like, well, the only way I could get through this without being grumpy is if nothing bad happened, or if I was at the spa, where we get this grand idea of, well, what I actually need is everyone else to be perfect and all my meals to be made for me.

00:34:26 Leisha

If that's your reality, great.

00:34:29 Leisha

Enjoy that and give yourself that space.

00:34:32 Leisha

But mostly it's not reality.

00:34:33 Leisha

And so what is reality?

00:34:35 Leisha

You could take a nap, or you could take a walk before the kids get up, or you could sleep longer, or you could take them out in the sunshine.

00:34:42 Leisha

There's so much self-care that you can do with your kids.

00:34:45 Leisha

And if you're stuck in that victim mindset and paralysis of this is just how I am these few days, I just yell.

00:34:51 Leisha

then if you're just assuming that, you're not going to set yourself up for doing anything better by, you're going to assume you're grumpy, you're going to assume the kids are going to make a mess, you're going to assume nobody gets what they want.

00:35:03 Leisha

But a little shift of how could I make this 10% better?

00:35:06 Leisha

And you go outside and they're running around yelling outside and it feels a little bit less grating on your nervous system.

00:35:11 Leisha

That's a shift that you can do, right?

00:35:14 Leisha

And so I think just same thing with your marriage.

00:35:17 Leisha

You can create a little bit different environment for yourself in your marriage even, where you create that communication of like, you know what, when you get home tonight, I would love some time by myself.

00:35:27 Leisha

Or if you know that's not gonna happen, just expecting that it's not gonna happen and saying, what can I do to make my evening more calm?

00:35:35 Leisha

I can have dinner ready a little earlier, or I can

00:35:39 Leisha

this is the night that we get takeout, or I make bedtime more simple, or like, there are things that you can do for yourself.

00:35:46 Leisha

And so I think that even that can help without resentment.

00:35:51 Leisha

If you're expecting him to do something that you know he's not going to do, or he doesn't even know you want him to do, or like those kinds of things.

00:35:59 Leisha

That can be something that can be remedied.

00:36:01 Leisha

And then from there, you can move closer to a space, I think, of really actually getting what you want.

00:36:08 Leisha

If it's not coming from this perpetual well of frustration and aggression and irritability and bitterness and like all those things, if you can kind of shift that in yourself.

00:36:16 Leisha

I'm not saying it's all on you, do it all yourself.

00:36:19 Leisha

I'm just saying if it feels like it is right now,

00:36:23 Leisha

question that belief, but also how can that empower you until it does change?

00:36:27 Haley

Yeah, absolutely.

00:36:28 Haley

I love that.

00:36:29 Haley

Yeah.

00:36:29 Haley

Taking your power back as a wife.

00:36:31 Haley

I think a lot of times, because we are like in the biblical order, we're under our husbands.

00:36:37 Haley

That can be, you know, depending on what you've learned about that, right?

00:36:41 Haley

That can feel very like, I'm stuck, but it's not the case at all.

00:36:46 Haley

And we can always do more.

00:36:47 Haley

And that should be freeing.

00:36:49 Haley

Everything you just shared, that should be encouraging.

00:36:52 Haley

Like, oh, wow, I can make this shift.

00:36:53 Haley

It's a complete mentality shift is what it is.

00:36:57 Haley

I can be victorious.

00:36:59 Haley

God gives me everything I need to be victorious.

00:37:01 Haley

I'm not stuck.

00:37:02 Haley

I'm not kept taking all those thoughts you were speaking about.

00:37:05 Haley

And then, yeah, I think when it comes to the needs, I think a lot of times

00:37:10 Haley

the woman you said earlier about something like physiologically where we don't receive something about the calcium going around ourselves, something like that, where we literally make it hard to receive, essentially.

00:37:20 Haley

I think that's, that's a big thing to take note if that's where you found yourself, which is definitely where I'm coming from.

00:37:26 Haley

I've been on that journey of like, okay, just resting and receiving instead of, because the masculine is the one that gives, right?

00:37:33 Haley

The feminine receives.

00:37:35 Haley

And so if that's, if that's where you're coming from, recognize that and, and practice

00:37:40 Haley

Identifying what you need first and foremost, which is what we've been speaking about.

00:37:43 Haley

What do you need?

00:37:45 Haley

We cannot communicate anything to our husbands if we're not even aware of it.

00:37:48 Haley

And I think that's the thing.

00:37:50 Haley

Us women are very indirect, so we think they're going to get it, but a lot of times we don't even, we haven't even pinpointed what we need.

00:37:56 Haley

So it's like, why are we expecting a man out of all people who are very different than me to get it?

00:38:01 Haley

So yeah, understanding what we need.

00:38:03 Haley

And then

00:38:04 Haley

getting comfortable asking.

00:38:05 Haley

I think the thing just, and I don't know, maybe we wanna land here, but going back to safety, safety is like the soil, okay?

00:38:14 Haley

So it's like, sometimes I think we don't ask because we don't feel, it feels vulnerable and we don't feel like we'll be safe in that vulnerability.

00:38:23 Haley

But again, this is where obviously it circles back to that healing.

00:38:26 Haley

And I'll just give an example from my own life, asking for help or asking for my husband to do something for me.

00:38:32 Haley

I think there's many times growing up where I've asked for my dad's attention and whatnot, and it wasn't received.

00:38:38 Haley

Like I didn't get that.

00:38:39 Haley

And so throughout marriage, I've kind of had that same expectation of like, it's going to be this way.

00:38:44 Haley

But it really is not built on the truth.

00:38:46 Haley

It's built on that, you know, lens that triggered the lie, which is the root of that.

00:38:51 Haley

Lies are always the root of all wounds.

00:38:54 Haley

It's just a lie.

00:38:55 Haley

A lie has been buried in your heart, and that's what the healing is.

00:38:58 Haley

Let's dig it out.

00:38:58 Haley

Let's shine light on it and get the truth in there instead.

00:39:02 Haley

And so that's why

00:39:03 Haley

I've had a hard time asking in our journey of marriage for help for my husband, but it's wild because whenever I do ask for help, he's always so willing.

00:39:11 Haley

He's like, I never feel like a burden when I ask and whatnot.

00:39:15 Haley

That for me has been so healing, seeing the opposite, because I'm like, wow, and it's building that safety and my belief that I am safe enough to trust him and to be vulnerable and ask for help, like showing my weakness.

00:39:26 Haley

It is safe to soften.

00:39:28 Haley

Perhaps that's your case too.

00:39:30 Haley

And you just, you're not giving your husband a chance.

00:39:33 Haley

It really is both ways.

00:39:34 Haley

It's ideal for both husband and wife to be working on this journey together, but you can make a dramatic difference because when the dynamic shifts on one side and when the women start, okay, I'm not used to this, but I'm gonna learn how to, I'm gonna practice just being more, being more grounded, being more low key, being more receptive, being more calm.

00:39:56 Haley

When we practice being more in our feminine like that, it gives the man an opportunity to step up and to be the masculine.

00:40:03 Haley

There's no competing.

00:40:04 Haley

Like you said earlier, like they're not going to compete.

00:40:06 Haley

They just want peace.

00:40:07 Haley

But it's like if we want godly, strong man to lead us and to protect us, right, and provide and do all the things, we got to stop trying to protect.

00:40:16 Haley

We got to stop trying to provide.

00:40:18 Haley

We got to stop trying to lead.

00:40:19 Haley

And so when we shift our dynamic, it really does change the whole dynamic in the marriage.

00:40:24 Haley

I think, you know, that will help us.

00:40:26 Haley

ask for our needs.

00:40:27 Haley

Like, hey, can you do this?

00:40:28 Haley

Or, hey, can we talk tonight?

00:40:30 Haley

Hey, I would love to talk to you.

00:40:31 Haley

Or I would love some alone time, like you were saying.

00:40:33 Haley

Or, hey, can you do bedtime routine tonight?

00:40:36 Haley

Sometimes that's how we can use help, you know?

00:40:38 Haley

Figuring that out for you and then giving him an opportunity to step up.

00:40:42 Haley

That's how we invite them to lead.

00:40:43 Haley

It's giving them an opportunity to step up, not telling them like their mom.

00:40:47 Haley

That's not going to encourage them.

00:40:49 Haley

That's probably going to backfire.

00:40:51 Leisha

Right, right.

00:40:52 Leisha

Yeah.

00:40:52 Leisha

I love how you kind of like brought it back to stepping into the empowerment that we do have, that even if things are not how we want them, we have influence over it.

00:41:03 Leisha

And without, I think leading, maybe, yeah, I would say leading, like leading from a feminine place looks different than leading from a masculine place as a woman and being like, you know, we've got to fix things, you've got to fix things, but instead being like,

00:41:17 Leisha

I'm going to work on things myself and maybe you don't even say anything and you just start to shift how you're acting.

00:41:24 Leisha

And there is a dynamic there that things can change without you even needing to ask for them change.

00:41:33 Leisha

And it's hard.

00:41:34 Leisha

You have to be consistent and you have to do it and be committed, right?

00:41:37 Leisha

So it's not just like you can decide one day that you're going to be.

00:41:41 Leisha

the role that you want to be.

00:41:42 Leisha

And then everyone else is going to fall into place.

00:41:43 Leisha

Like, no, you've got to make that decision every day.

00:41:46 Leisha

And it's a hard decision to make, but it's very rewarding.

00:41:49 Haley

So yeah, give yourself grace for sure.

00:41:51 Leisha

Yeah, we'll wrap this up here, but I appreciate this so much, Haley.

00:41:55 Leisha

It's been really good.

00:41:56 Leisha

I hope it's been encouraging for those of you listening.

00:41:58 Leisha

We'll put all the links in the show notes where you can find Haley and her podcast and her resources.

00:42:03 Leisha

I know she has some really great ones and we'll see you girls next time.

00:42:06 Haley

Thanks, Leisha.